Fishing Jokes & Funny Quotes part-II

 

                                 Fishing Jokes & Funny Quotes part-II 

                                                      

 I am glad to share more variety of Fishing jokes to make your surfing experience on this blog  more pleasant, full of fun and enjoyment. I also appreciate your time and hope to see more of you following my blog  and  experience  more Fishy humor into your everyday life.

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                                                  BEST BAIT           

The reporter asks the winners of a Fishing Contest what their secret is:

3rd place winner - I am a surgeon, Once I tried to catch with human appendix, fish liked it, I caught a lot of pike, carp and chub with it.

2nd place winner - I also work in a hospital and specialize in Adenoid glands removal. I also tried once to fish with glands with great success. The results far exceeded the expectations. Perch, crucian carp, sunfish loved the glands.

Question to the winner: you must also be a doctor?

The contest winner - Oh, you're going to be laughing...

I am a rabbi in the local synagogue, I do circumcisions every day...

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Why Fish are Better than Women.

• A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.

• They don't complain about the size of your rod.
• You can take home more than one fish per night.
• Fish are willing to swallow anything you offer them
• You feel proud to be seen with a big fat fish.
• Fish only have five seconds  memories,  they don't remember how badly you hooked them last time.
• You catch fish on crab, but catch crabs off women.
• You can boast about your fish down the pub.
• Fish don't talk about your tackle with their mates.
• They give you a good night’s entertainment and dinner next day. 
• Fish are happy when you throw them back.

 

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Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex? .

• It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
• Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
• Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as for a guy of 20.
• A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
• Fish don't compare you to other fishermen.
• Fish don't care how many other fish you caught before .

• Fish are real happy when you done and go home.
• No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

• Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week - Is Fishing all You ever think about!"
• Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats and never gag, choke, or come up for air.
• Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
• You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
• It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
• When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
• You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
• If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else

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Why Boats are better than Women?

• Boats last longer.
• Boats don't get pregnant.
• Boats don't have parents.
• Boats don't care if you are late.
• Boats always feel like going for a ride.
• Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
• Boats don't care how many other Boats you have.
• If Boat makes too much noise, you buy a muffler.
• When riding, you both arrive at the same time.
• You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
• If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• Boats don't mind if you ride them hard all day while drinking beer with your buddies, and then fall asleep on top of them.

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Fisherman never lies

- Defendant, you are guilty of fishing without a permit and catching eighteen pikes?

- I confess. But I have a request.

Can I get a few copies of the protocol, so I could prove it to my friends?

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Bath a worm

Officer to a man fishing at the park: “You are fined $20 for fishing in a restricted area.”

Man: “Who said that I was fishing? I just put my worm to swim.

Officer: “Then the fine is $50 for swimming without a bathing suite.

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 A woman, who never saw her husband  fishing, will never know, what a patient man she married

  

WIFE - Before you married me you used to buy me a lot of gifts. Why have you stopped doing this after our wedding?

HUSBAND - Have you ever heard about a fisherman putting bait on a hook for the fish he already caught?

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Pleasure is where you find it.!!!

“If you could just stop fishing to shave, get a haircut and take a shower I would let you tie me up and do anything you want."

So, man took a shower, tied her up and went fishing AGAIN .

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SIX RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY FISHY  LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who can cook.

2. It's important to have a woman who does all house work.

3. It's important to have a woman who is very rich.

4. It's important to have a woman who is very good in bed.

5. It's very important that these four women never meet.

6. It's the most important that these four women would let you go fishing any time you want.

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The other side

Two blondes were fishing on an opposite sides of the river and using the same tackle. How ever only one young blond was catching fish, and she was catching a lot.

Finally the other blond couldn't stand it any longer and she asked "How do you get to the other side of the river?”

The other blond thought about it for a while and finally answered “You are already there."

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Going fishing ?? to hell with it just give me the ROD ;-)

A sports writer interviewed the 14 time world champion female fisherman.

"What is your secret, do you have a favorite side of the boat or special lure?"

"No" - was the reply to the lure. "As far as the side of the boat that depends on my husband."

Reporter says: "I don’t understand."

"Well it is this way; I lift up the sheets in the morning and look at my husband’s dong, if it is lying on his right leg I fish on the right side of the boat, if on the left I fish on the left side of the boat."

Reporter: "What if it is standing up???"

"Well then to hell with going fishing!!!"

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The mother-in-law

One fisherman went on fishing trip with his wife and mother-in-law. In the evening, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The man took a swig of whiskey and started to look for her. Not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a lake and a large crocodile stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the husband. "The crocodile got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." 

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How?

Mike and John went fishing. Mike caught a beautiful mermaid.

He looked at her with delight, examined her and threw her back into the water.

John: - "But why?"

Mike (sadly): - "But how?"

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Hard to Find

Two guys from Kings County are quietly sitting in a fishing boat sucking down beer when suddenly Lenny says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Igor sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

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The Fishing Trip

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Did Everything  Wrong

Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbor:

"I did everything all wrong again today --

I talked too much and too loud.

I used the wrong bait and wrong lures.

I reeled in too soon and WORST of all I caught more fish than he did."

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Mike had terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the burning sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the salesman,

"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the Red Snapper." "But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take Red Snapper. She would like to have it for dinner tonight."

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Healthy food

Father shark teaches his son how to eat a human:

First you swim around one time so that a human can see you,

Then you make another circle, but closer,

And then you attack and swallow a human.

Little shark asks: “Can’t I just attack and swallow? Why make two circles?”

Father responds: “You can, but then you will be eating with shit”

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Most Wanted.

Classifieds:

Will get married for the duration of the crisis.

Speak softly, can prepare delicious meals,

have nothing against fishing,

and NEVER have a headache.

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Fishing Trip

A fisherman wearing a full fishing outfit runs into his buddy on the street.

- Where are you going the friend asks surprised. There is a two month ban on fishing in effect now.

- Well, so what, my wife is not aware of it!

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Why three? One is enough!

A fisherman went fishing and caught a mermaid.

She appeals to him with a mellow voice:

- If you let me go I'll perform three of your wishes.

The fisherman looked at the beauty and said:

- I only have one wish but you will have to perform it three times...

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Drunk fishing can be fun

The husband is going fishing, his wife grumbles at him: -Going fishing again, I bet you'll be back late and completely drunk.

3 am in the morning the doorbell rings. The wife opens the door and faces her drunken husband. He says

-See, you jinxed me, happy now?

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Fisherman Never Lie!

A fisherman comes home from fishing.

- Look dear what a catch I have today.

- Well, well, a neighbor saw you go into the fish store...

- Who? Me? Of course I did, today's catch was so good so I had to sell part of it.

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  Lucky Guy

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing a lot and hunting a lot and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. 

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